The Seahorse Effect
by Neko Oni
Summary: MatsuHitsu. Instead of the girl getting pregnant, it's the other way around. At least, according to Matsumoto. But even in a crazy, mixed up place like Soul Society, is it possible that little Shirochan is pregnant?
1. Chapter 1

My odd, twisted imagination knows no bounds. Especially when it comes to torturing Hitsugaya. I can't help it, he's just SOO adorable and squishy and easy to annoy. And Matsumoto's the perfect one to annoy him- they just have such a great chemistry together.

SUMMARY: Matsumoto will do anything to avoid paperwork…even claim she got Hitsugaya pregnant. (NOT an actual m-preg)

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Bleach

WARNINGS: erm…insinuations of m-preg, but there's no actual m-preg (well, aside from the seahorses). And crack. Lots and lots of crack. And not the kind plumbers show when they bend over.

Special thanks to the awesome squidgeesushi for betaing this! Much lurve!

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THE SEAHORSE EFFECT

By Neko Oni

Matsumoto crunched loudly on a bacon and sour cream flavored potato chip as she sat sprawled on Orihime's couch, watching the TV screen intently. She'd spent her day off in the real word, shopping with the other big chested girl. Whether or not she was allowed to sneak in her gigai into the realm of the living was completely beside the point; it was all for a good cause. The stores were having a lot of good end-of-the-summer clearance sales, and this TV show was absolutely fascinating.

"Seahorses and pipefish are noted for being the only species in which the male becomes pregnant. The female inserts her ovipositor into the male's brood pouch, where she deposits her eggs, which the male fertilizes. The fertilized eggs then embed in the pouch wall and become enveloped with tissues."

Matsumoto swallowed, blue eyes going wide and full lips curving into a mischievous smile.

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"Taichou! Guess what! Guess what!" Matsumoto bounced up and down on the balls of her feet in front of Hitsugaya's desk. She'd just set a tray down with two teacups, knocking over a stack of budget reports in the process. Her cup wasn't steaming, and it wasn't full of tea. She felt no need to tell Hitsugaya it was sake.

Hitsugaya growled at the sound of papers fluttering to the floor. He raised his head and pointed the tip of his writing brush at Matsumoto's desk, which was cluttered with piles of untouched forms and reports. "I don't care what it is, Matsumoto. It's the end of the month, and all THAT-" he jabbed his brush at her messy accumulation of paperwork "is due in the sotaichou's office."

"Yes, yes, in a minute." Her voice was vague and she waved her hand dismissively. She stepped to the side to block his view of her desk. Out of sight, out if mind. "Ne, taichou." She squealed excitedly, leaning over the front of his desk and placing her hands on top of his work so he had to look at her. Look, glare, either way, she had his attention. "Did you know that if we were seahorses, you'd be pregnant?"

Hitsugaya's expression was flat, save for a raised eyebrow. He was expecting some off-the-wall, get-out-of-paperwork scheme, but this…"This is insane, even for you. And there's not much I'd put past you. So, you. Paperwork. Now." He lowered his head and went back to his own.

"But, taichou!" Matsumoto whined, bouncing and causing her monstrous breasts to quiver threateningly at the small captain from within the confines of her uniform, ready to pop out at any inconvenient moment. "You'd be the one having the babies! In your cute, flat little tummy. But it wouldn't stay flat for long!." She giggled. "It'd be SO cute, my little taichou pregnant!"

Hitsugaya twitched, and a big, black ink stroke blazed across his neatly written kanji. He sighed heavily, rubbing his temples. "Matsumoto, we're NOT seahorses. I'm a male. I can NOT get pregnant. Besides, I thought if you ever had kids, you'd adopt."

Matsumoto pursed her lips in thought. "Well, yeah. I don't want to ruin my gorgeous figure." She straightened up and glanced down admiringly at herself. Hitsugaya rolled his eyes. "Besides, that way we can pick the kid. Pregnancies in Soul Society are rare, afterall."

Hitsugaya regarded her thoughtfully. "It was hard, living in the slums of Rukongai. Living out of garbage heaps and eating rotten food. Momo and I would've died if the old lady hadn't taken us in. She gave us a happy childhood."

Matsumoto's face echoed his as she stared at him. "I would've starved if it wasn't for Gin. We helped each other survive. But it would've been nice if someone had taken us in, raised us right. Maybe then Gin wouldn't have…" She trailed off, then shook her head. "But that's neither here nor there."

The tenth division taichou and fukutaichou had spoken of children before, when reminiscing on their own childhoods in Rukongai over tea (sake in Matsumoto's case). Due to their own experiences struggling on the streets, they both wanted to adopt, to save a child from the miserable, unforgiving slums of the lower districts.

Matsumoto smiled gently, and Hitsugaya returned it. Her grin grew, eyes lighting up, and she tilted her head to one side. "I still think you'd look cute with a baby belly, though."

Hitsugaya's expression darkened murderously. "MATSUMOTO!!!"

Tbc…


	2. Chapter 2

Thankies to Sasaisasexydemoness, gunman, beebee, eternity crystal, and o-icecream-o for reviewing.

I'm well aware that this is an excessively odd fic, because any time m-preg is done, it is always yaoi. I am primarily a yaoi fangirl- MatsuHitsu is the only het pairing I ship, and Matsumoto must be the dominant one. When it comes to pregnancy fics, my yaoi mind automatically fills with images of Hitsugaya knocked up, even in a het pairing. Yes, I know it is impossible for it to happen that way- hence the whole thing is a joke.

And a very special thank you to the ever-awesome Squidgeesushi for betaing this! You guys really should go check out her stories, cuz she rocks.

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Hitsugaya's small, slender body lay curled into Matsumoto's longer one. She was on her back, limbs sprawled. His head was pillowed on her chest, face snuggled into the side of one huge breast. One slim hand fisted in the folds of her sleep yukata. His long, thick eyelashes were closed, dark against his pale skin. One lithe, little leg was thrown over both of hers.

He was fast asleep, worn out from the paperwork and yelling at her all day. She, however, was wide awake. After half heartedly doodling on and pecking at her own paperwork, she'd fallen asleep mid-afternoon. As a result of her earlier nap, Matsumoto couldn't fall asleep. She wanted to visit Renji, Ikkaku, or one of the other night owls of Seireitei and go out for a friendly drink or two. Or three or four.

She wanted a drink, however Hitsugaya was so cute and sweet snuggled against her. His face was relaxed and peaceful in sleep; gone was his constant scowl. He looked younger, more carefree- almost innocent and angelic. He breathed deeply; she felt his chest rise and fall evenly against her.

Matsumoto felt all of his warm, slender body tucked into hers, and the press of his body against hers reminded her of the show she had seen at Orihime's house. Male seahorses got pregnant. They carried and birthed the babies. She found that fact absolutely fascinating to the point of obsession. The idea of her and Hitsugaya as seahorses, Hitsugaya pregnant, would not leave her mind. She pictured his flat little belly stretching, rounding, and growing big with their babies inside.

She grinned in the darkness at the image in her head. It was so odd, fascinating, absurd, and funny at the same time. Hitsugaya made a soft sound in his sleep and shifted against her, snuggling closer. She, in turn, stretched her long, curvy body, and reached up to pull her pillow further under her head.

Matsumoto plumped it up, wanting to go to sleep. It was round and plush under her head. She stared in sleepless boredom at the darkened ceiling, listening to Hitsugaya's soft breathing besides her whilst visions of pregnant seahorses danced in her head. Something in her mind clicked, and she gasped softly. Her blue eyes lit up with pleasure and her grin went from ear to ear.

It was an absolutely delicious idea. But dare she do it? She knew she could pull it off, but if he woke up, she'd be dead. Well, more dead than she already was. Matsumoto glanced down at Hitsugaya- he was fast asleep, worn out from all the paperwork and being grouchy all day. The chances of him waking up were slim. She would do it- it definitely was worth the risk.

Suppressing an excited squeal, Matsumoto slipped away from him. Hitsugaya stirred as her enveloping warmth left him, but she ran her long fingers through his thick, soft hair until he settled back down. Grinning like the Chesire cat, she slunk to a nearby dresser and pulled out the digital camera she'd brought back from the living world.

She shivered in anticipation, biting back a delighted squeal as she tip-toed over to their shared futon. This was going to be better than the time she played dress up with his gigai, or when she tucked a chibi Hyourinmaru plushy under his arm and put a pacifier in the sleeping taichou's mouth then took a picture. She smiled reminiscently; that was her favorite photo. She still had it on her camera. It was too bad they didn't have computers in Soul Society- she'd have it as her screensaver, too. And background.

Matsumoto grinned madly as she knelt by Hitsugaya's side. This was more exciting than both those incidents. She set the camera down and gingerly, untied his yukata. She was glad it was summer, because there were no blankets to get in her way. Exposing his pale stomach, she bit her lip to keep from snickering as she picked up her round, plump pillow and laid it gently on his concave belly.

At the touch of the pillow on his bare skin, Hitsguaya stirred, his cark, long lashes fluttering. Matsumoto held her breath, afraid to move or breathe. He was still once more and she visibly relaxed in relief, tense muscles loosening. She allowed herself to breathe again.

She briefly contemplated retreating and returning to bed, however she'd come so far and if she gave up now, she'd be kicking herself in the morning. The idea was just too delicious to pass up. Besides, curiosity never killed this kitty, although a certain frosty little taichou might. Satisfaction would bring her back, though.

Slowly, carefully, Matsumoto brought his yukata up and over the pillow, then gingerly, tied the robe to make it look as if he were, indeed, heavy with child. Close inspection would reveal the charade, but all she had to do was find just the right angle with the camera and…Bingo. One very pregnant Shiro-chan.

At the flash and click of the camera, Hitsugaya moaned softly, opening sleep-fogged teal eyes half way. "Uhhh…Rangiku…what the hell…?"

Matsumoto jumped and quickly stashed the camera behind her back, pushing it off the futon. She grinned toothily. "Er-I was just coming back from the bathroom and I saw how adorable you were, all asleep like that. I just couldn't resist; I had to take a picture." She smiled forcefully and hoped he bought it. Fortunately for her, he was too sleepy, his mind not fully awake, to catch her guilty air.

Hitsugaya was slipping back into sleep, much to her relief. Her poor little taichou- all that paperwork really drained him. "Better not…be a stupid…pacifier…again…I'll…kill you…" He mumbled, words slurred as his large eyes drifted shut.

Matsumoto lay beside him and pulled his slender body close. "Oh, I can honestly promise that's not it." In the darkness, her goofy grin turned into a very satisfied smirk as Hitsugaya settled in her arms. He sighed softly and nuzzled against her. She waited a while until she was sure he was fully asleep before slowly and cautiously removing the pillow from his yukata. He was so tired, did not even noticed it.

Excessively pleased with herself and her work, imagination fully satisfied, Matsumoto smiled in the dark to herself. This topped everything she'd done in the past, including the time she'd dressed a sick Hitsugaya up in an pink yukata that Hinamori had outgrown.

Hitsugaya tucked his head into the crook of her neck, and Matsumoto massaged his flat stomach. This really was the best idea she had ever had; she just had to be careful not to let this prank get out of hand.

Tbc…

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Reviews are appreciated and encouraged.


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